Realizations

I realized a couple things that day before my brother's big day.  And a lot of it has to do with friends, guys and my relationships with these people.

:-:Trust:-:

 I have learned over the past couple of years, 12 to be exact, that trusting someone no matter what is hard for me to do(especially guys).  I went through a relationship where I was completely in love but couldn't trust.  I've had a friend that thought it was funny when I got drunk at a club on night.  Ever since then, my trust in friends and guys has faded.  Yes, this comes from a previous life event that will not be mentioned but has had a big impact on my life. 

Friends

I have very few friends that I trust, very few girl friends.  I have never been a big drinker and rarely drink around my friends because I have never trusted them to take care of me. 

It all started with a girls night out with one of my friends from college. We went out and I ended up drinking too much on top of not eating dinner.  She did take care of me by getting me water and giving me some food when we got back to her place.  When talking to her later I learned what she thought about the whole situation.  She thought it was funny, and it's amazing how the little things can shape our lives. After my friend laughing at me and saying that it was completely funny that I was drunk I stay away from drinking around friends I don't trust.  I've never been a big drinker in the first place though.  I don't drink around my friends because I could probably guarantee you that all of them would think that it is hilarious that I'm drunk and letting loose and just let me keep drinking. I need friends around that will realize when I've had enough and stop me from drinking anymore.  And from their stories they tell me about parties they have had with our friends there they let them keep drinking, and I hear about how funny it was and how trashed they got.

I've always been the person to take care of someone when they get too drunk.  And earning my trust is something that is hard to do, just the slightest thing can quickly change my trust in someone.  I know I've jumped around on this topic and probably repeated myself on a couple things.  I have to completely trust my friends before I even start to drink around them.

Guys

Unfortunately, my trust with guys has come from part of my past that I often try not to remember or mention.  Ever since then I've always fallen for guys and ended up getting hurt.  I start out always trusting guys, which is completely opposite from my friends.  I don't trust guys to tell me the truth or treat me how I should be treated.  Once a guy hurts me it's always easier for me to never see or talk to them...Out of Sight, Out of Mind!

Yes, and some of that has to do with drinking.  I usually will never drink around guys either.  I don't have a high alcohol tolerance so I usually have a buzz after one drink.  I don't trust guys to show me the respect I deserve and take care of me.  I believe that all guys that look at me just see me as a piece of meat and that they will take advantage of me when I drink.  And I have learned that the hard way, twice with the same guy.  I don't know if I will ever drink around a guy again, especially that guy. 

I don't trust guys with my feelings because every one that I have liked it hasn't worked out, and it's funny because if you tell a guy you like them all of a sudden they just seem to not exist anymore!  They stop talking to you and you stop seeing them.  Whatever happen to a guy telling you that they're just plan not interested.

,..Making Promises,..

I recently had a friend come home that I haven't seen in 12-13 years.  We had planned to see each other last year when he came home, but he traveled a lot and then ended up getting sick. We had talked over the past year and he told me he was coming home this May.  He at first told me he was coming home earlier than he apparently was.  So I talked to him only a couple days before he was suppose to leave to go back home.  We made plans for Saturday night and I tried getting a hold of him on Saturday.  No answer.  So I sent him a text before I headed out to the birthday party saying "Maybe next time you're in town."

He never had the decency to text me back saying that he was sorry and couldn't go, or had something else that he would rather do, or just didn't want to go.  Out of respect for me, whether you would hurt my feelings or not, just tell me you don't want to go or hang out!  I was really pissed at him for two days, and I'm still mad at him.  How in the world does he have the nerve.

If you can't make a promise to me and keep it then don't make promises to me at all!  I'm at a point where I don't know why I trust people to keep their promises and sometimes come to expect people breaking promises to me.  Yes, it hurts my feelings but I've gotten so used to it it just doesn't really phase me anymore.

I've always had a bucket list of things that I've wanted me and a boyfriend to do together.  Like all girls I have dreams of the perfect guy and some of the fun adventures that would be a lot of fun to do together.

So my bucket list starts like this:

1. go on a vacation, just us(because I've never been on a vacation with just me and a boyfriend)

2. whitewater rafting and camping trip

3. picnic in the park

4. Braves baseball game

5. romantic dinner

I've always been a very independent person, and always had the mindset of who needs a guy and wanted to know that I can do things without a guy in my life.  But yes I have a longing to eventually be in a relationship and be able to do fun things with a guy that I am dating.  The day before my brother's wedding I realized that if I always wait on a guy to do these things with me, granted some of them are impossible to do without a guy, I will never end up doing them and that I might as well start doing them by myself.  So I will start completing my Relationship Bucket List and add it to my bucket list for myself! And the next best thing to completely them without a guy is to complete those things on my list with some of my best friends!